DAY 450
When the joy of your life keeps eluding you, all you can do is find pleasure in the smaller joys that come now and again to entice one's longing heart. I was learning to play the guitar, i had started going to classes a couple of months ago heeding the advice of a friend.
We had been drinking in the room that night when John asked me "So you love her right?"
"hmm ..yeah i guess..except no good will come of it"
"Well, why is that?"
"Cuz, ...she likes someone else"
"How can you love someone who doesnt love you? its humbug yaar"
"Look i fell in love with her before i knew if she liked someone else and if someone else liked her, so there is no reason for me to stop loving her, i was first in love with her after all"
"i dont agree da.... love is when two people share experiences and share their lives, there is nothing called one sided love, it can be at the most....you know kinda affection or adoration..."
"Call it what you want, this is how i feel, and what i feel is real, if i choose to love her on the condition that she loves me back then its only myself i am loving right?"
"Saala...nautanki...Beer is making you philosophize, think straigth da, ...one day you'll find someone to share your life with....only then you'll know what love is"
"this is love da, it cant be anything else, i feel this only for her and no one else, its gotta be special.."
"Special - yes, ...ok lets say...love too...but..Hmmm...there are only somany girls in the city Sid, and the men are more, stories like these are common place , ..."
"How cxan you say that? How can you call my love common? it maybe ordinary for you but for me its what i feel, its what i god damn... feel!"
"cool it da, i dint mean to say that, what i meant to say is....is..that you may think its only you who have been through this, but the truth is that half the world has already felt what you have, and a majority of them have pulled through , you can too...all you need is a distraction"
"distraction?"
"Look at me, ...i go to dance classes, Fuckin IT professional going to dance classes for three years now, why do you think i do it? for fun? for a career? hell Sid, It took a couple of years for me to get distracted, even after that i was frightened to quit. Thats why i keep dancing, ......keep fucking dancing!..."
And so i took up guitar classes from that week onwards. I was now able to sing some of my favourite Sharukh khan songs while i let the strings of the guitar glide along my fingers producing a little ear-soothing music; enough to temporarily distract me. Temporarily. There was no vacation from love.
I was just returning from the guitar class, it was saturday, and i had planned to go for a movie with John in the evening after a round of playing pool. That was when Priya called. Of late we had become good friends. She began calling me often. Most of the time we ended up discussing Pramod, there always seemed to be something going wrong between them. Frankly i was begenning to get a bad taste in my mouth dealing with what she felt about him and how he treated her. It surprised me that at times Pramod could be so inconsiderate, and it angered me at times that Priya can be so egoless. As if ordained by the gods their problems would sort out by themselves and she'd call back saying what a wonderfull guy Pramod was.
On another front, now and then Pramod spoke to me about how he was taking this thing between him and her like a one day at a time relationship and that they were'nt thinking too far in the future. Infact they were'nt even admitting that they are a couple yet. They were just 'seeing' each other. It was funny to say the least.
So when she called i thought it would be another one of those never ending misunderstandings; ones that i would have to help her sort and then be content with the fact that she'd think of me again only when she had another one in her tracks. So i answerd the phone ready to be a good listner for a good hour. I was pleasently surprised though when she asked to meet me at Cafe coffee day in the evening. Pool game, movie cancelled. John should understand.
"He has decided to go" she said, there were tears in her eyes, but like always she never let them flow. "I am happy for him of course.."
Pramod had just told her that he would have to leave for the U.S in a week's time and that he would have to be there for six months. It was one of those accelerated onsite travel arrangements made due to the sudden backfill at onsite as a result of a key employee quitting the job. An experienced person was needed right away. Hiring someone and training his would take too long. So it was decided to import Pramod. he was going. More than his going, what i think is hurting her is the fact that he did not discuss with her, but just told her.
"I am just frightened, that you know...he might not feel the same when he comes back..." she was saying. Made me wonder if he did feel anything now, to not feel it later.
"Don't be silly Priya, its just six months, they'll fly by like days. He is going to be back around the time of your birthday. It'll be just perfect, you'll see." I just hoped she wasnt seeing past my concernless mutterings.
"Hmm...I am being childish i guess,....anyways now i guess you'll have to lead the team here, at least temporarily"
I had'nt thought of that, now this is scary, too much pressure is coming my way. what the hell it was temporary of course. Nothing 'unhandleable'.
"I guess.." i said with a shrug of my shoulders.
"So, when are you going to come home? Its been more than a year and you still havent come home."
"Well, next week sure" God knows how many times i have said that. I just dont feel comfortable going to people's homes. They remind me of my own home. Not good memories those. Thankyou very much. i think i'll pass.
I was home at night when Pramod called to tell me about the onsite travel thing.
"We'll go on a team lunch on Monday da" he said
"Cool, i'll arrange it" I said
"What did Priya say da?"
"Well she was happy for you man, Just a bit shocked thats all"
"Shocked? Why da?"
"Why do you think? Even i was shocked"
"Oh...actually even I was.."
"Am sure, so You'll fina babe in the U.S uh?"
"No man, no girls for sometime, just career. When I come back i am giving CAT and doing MBA, thats all I am thinking about."
"Cool, we'll prepare together"
Would it be right for me to ask him if he is serious about her? No na? Thats why i did not ask. Am just too good a person. Now what can I say? I just lay there for the rest of the night wondering what on earth i was doing. Here I was so far away from a home i hated but could go back to anytime, and again here i was so near the one person i found myself capable of loving and can never get her. Now, there is Pramod who is leaving that single glittering diamond and is going away to a land so far away that it brought a tear in the eyes of the girl i so deeply love. Life was cruel. So very cruel.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
CHAPTER 7
DAY 225
Days fly by, they just vanish without a trace. Working in IT can be something like this. The years go by, while life stagnates. I was going nowhere. I was here. At my same old desk, it had been seven or odd months since the day Priya walked into my life, her tutti-fruti smile ,her slippery walk , her every action an adorable act; she was making her way into my consciousness, she was burrowing her way into my sub-conscious. It was nice, this heart thumping, mind churning, soul soothing feeling of uncomparable admiration that i was begenning to feel towards her in light of every single act of hers that went beyond mere ordinary. Yet she was like any other girl around and yet she was the one i kept thinking about.
I was loosing my mind is what was happening to me, i was losing control over myself, no more routine remained in my life, no more did i come early to office. how could i? I would spend countless hours into the deep night thinking about her, and wondering what she would be thinking about and why she seemed to like Pramod more than she liked me? what was it that i lacked? what is it that i ought to do? All questions i know can never be satisfactorily answered, and yet they were the ones that kept me thinking late into the night. As a consequence of which i had too little sleep too late and woke up looking more like a drunk than one in love. Not far apart; the two.
It was five minutes to twelve noon when i made it to my desk. When i unlocked my computer i found an IM open on the scree. It was from Pramod, it said "Meet me in the Cafeteria". I checked my mail, replied to a couple, marked another couple to follow up later, exchanged a few 'good morning-sorry- afternoons' with a few people and in ten minutes made my way to the cafeteria. I found Pramod there, he was alone with a cup of coffee. He looked weak, quite possible that he had been increasing his smoking rate over the past month, something was troubling him. Everyone had different issue, i guess.
"So wazzup?" i asked as i sat down opposite to him. He looked up with a start, "oh, its you, so ...you came" he was still looking at his half filled coffee cup. "I saw your IM, any issues?" i asked, Its IT jargon, there are no problems, only issues. "Yeah i guess, but i dont know how to put it" he said still not looking me in the eye.
"spell it out, and we'll work on it" I told him, Professional to the core, we were squash-buckling problem-solvers the lot of us- 'we'll work on it' dudes. "Well its not official, more like personal" he said, it was his way of eazing into the issue, by pretending to put me at eaze. "I dont know why, but i feel uncomfortable around Priya" there it was, blunt and right there. "Uh? uncomfortable?" is all i could bring out at that time. "In the sense, you knwo we have gone out a couple of times, and its not the first time i am going out with someone, but, this...this kinda feels wierd, kinda..frightening" I know he was trying hard to put into words what he was really thinking, but it was still too confusing for me. "Frigtening?" One worded questions were a good way of leading someone on, i ought to make note of it. He was still looking into his cup of coffee as he continued, "you know how i am, right? like kinda i am more of the steady guy types, you know i dont really like all this sentiments and all da, i am not comfortable with it, you know it right?" All i did was nod affirmative, but no, i did not know. "And being around Priya is really frigthening, as if i may lose something, as if i am all the time trying to protect something insisde me that she is....she is.. out to get, i dont know how to put it, but i feel starnge, its a totally new...kind of fear." I think it was as this point that i realized there had been a different Pramod inside the one i knew, and am sure he is insecure as hell that inside guy, and i was sure Priya had met him. Well i told him "Its ok man, take it easy, she's a nice girl, whatever you feel, is what you feel, and you can do nothing but feel it" I am not sure if it made any sense to him, but i would be surprised if he did not fall head over heels in love with her soon, resigning himself to the feeling he felt but could not express.
It was indeed a remarkable day this, and that is why i suppose i had decided to share it with you. It became that exactly: incredible, when Priya at about 8 PM walked to my seat and said " Sid, are you busy?" I turned around to look at her. Why was it so easy for her to saddle me and take me for a ride? why did i get premonition about everything she would ask of me, get warned and yet get enchained? I did not know, for her - anything. "No, tell me" I said."You know of late Pramod has been behaving a little odd""odd?" one word leading questions."yes, i mean. hmm...can we go to the cafeteira?""yeah" ctrl+alt+del to lock the comp, two floors in the lift, cafeteria.
Sitting in a corner table "Yes Priya, tell me""ok, This Sunday we were out for a movie, me and Pramod""mm..hmm ..""And you know, we were holding hands, as we sat in the movie, i think it was an emotional scene in the movie, and i got a little more closer to him and i think i said something like 'I dont want to leave you ever', and thats it! he quickly snapped his hand out of mine in the pretext of getting the pop-corn, but it was obvious that he did not like what i said, and it was pretty uncomfortable after that. Sid, i dont usually go out with guys and all, this is chennai and i am from a normal middle class family, i am no flirt, what i felt and said was true, and thats the reason why i said it, pretention is something i am not comfortable with. But if he is not ok with this and if he has no intentions of getting serious then this is not something i want to carry on with." With that she went silent.
There were tears sitting in her eyes, she refused to let them encroach her soft cheeks. There was a sad look in those pearl like eyes; a look i wanted to wipe away but couldnt. I wanted to sit beside her and tell her that it did not matter, that nothing at all mattered, that i loved her, wholly and truely, more than she can ever hope to get from Pramod, more than she can ever hope to get from anyone.
"Just give him some time Priya, he must have been frightened by what you said, most guys are, they fear commitment. Just hang on and things will work out, he is a nice guy, we all know it, he'll come around, you'll see" I said, and i saw it give her some relief, casually she wiped her tears and added "Let this stay between us". "of course!" i confirmed "Besides he cant resist you for too long". To this i saw her smile. Somethings can never be fully understood. Like, why was i feeling happy now?
I was head over heels in love with her. I see her tackling the manager, I see her handling the burden of a loan and a widowed mother, I see her handle the clients, I see her love a guy with all her heart and I feel so much love for her. After thinking a lot I concluded that, the thing about her I loved the most was the way she loved Pramod, the way she went after what she wanted. Looking at her struggling to win him reminded me of the days I stood in the kitchen as a 15 year old hell bent on getting my curry just right. I loved the way she would walk up to me and say “Sid can you do me a favor? Can you handle the meeting tonight? Me and Pramod have something planned up” how could I say no? I wish someone had cooked for me when I was 15, and I wouldn’t have known her desperation; desperation to have something stable, something normal.
Days fly by, they just vanish without a trace. Working in IT can be something like this. The years go by, while life stagnates. I was going nowhere. I was here. At my same old desk, it had been seven or odd months since the day Priya walked into my life, her tutti-fruti smile ,her slippery walk , her every action an adorable act; she was making her way into my consciousness, she was burrowing her way into my sub-conscious. It was nice, this heart thumping, mind churning, soul soothing feeling of uncomparable admiration that i was begenning to feel towards her in light of every single act of hers that went beyond mere ordinary. Yet she was like any other girl around and yet she was the one i kept thinking about.
I was loosing my mind is what was happening to me, i was losing control over myself, no more routine remained in my life, no more did i come early to office. how could i? I would spend countless hours into the deep night thinking about her, and wondering what she would be thinking about and why she seemed to like Pramod more than she liked me? what was it that i lacked? what is it that i ought to do? All questions i know can never be satisfactorily answered, and yet they were the ones that kept me thinking late into the night. As a consequence of which i had too little sleep too late and woke up looking more like a drunk than one in love. Not far apart; the two.
It was five minutes to twelve noon when i made it to my desk. When i unlocked my computer i found an IM open on the scree. It was from Pramod, it said "Meet me in the Cafeteria". I checked my mail, replied to a couple, marked another couple to follow up later, exchanged a few 'good morning-sorry- afternoons' with a few people and in ten minutes made my way to the cafeteria. I found Pramod there, he was alone with a cup of coffee. He looked weak, quite possible that he had been increasing his smoking rate over the past month, something was troubling him. Everyone had different issue, i guess.
"So wazzup?" i asked as i sat down opposite to him. He looked up with a start, "oh, its you, so ...you came" he was still looking at his half filled coffee cup. "I saw your IM, any issues?" i asked, Its IT jargon, there are no problems, only issues. "Yeah i guess, but i dont know how to put it" he said still not looking me in the eye.
"spell it out, and we'll work on it" I told him, Professional to the core, we were squash-buckling problem-solvers the lot of us- 'we'll work on it' dudes. "Well its not official, more like personal" he said, it was his way of eazing into the issue, by pretending to put me at eaze. "I dont know why, but i feel uncomfortable around Priya" there it was, blunt and right there. "Uh? uncomfortable?" is all i could bring out at that time. "In the sense, you knwo we have gone out a couple of times, and its not the first time i am going out with someone, but, this...this kinda feels wierd, kinda..frightening" I know he was trying hard to put into words what he was really thinking, but it was still too confusing for me. "Frigtening?" One worded questions were a good way of leading someone on, i ought to make note of it. He was still looking into his cup of coffee as he continued, "you know how i am, right? like kinda i am more of the steady guy types, you know i dont really like all this sentiments and all da, i am not comfortable with it, you know it right?" All i did was nod affirmative, but no, i did not know. "And being around Priya is really frigthening, as if i may lose something, as if i am all the time trying to protect something insisde me that she is....she is.. out to get, i dont know how to put it, but i feel starnge, its a totally new...kind of fear." I think it was as this point that i realized there had been a different Pramod inside the one i knew, and am sure he is insecure as hell that inside guy, and i was sure Priya had met him. Well i told him "Its ok man, take it easy, she's a nice girl, whatever you feel, is what you feel, and you can do nothing but feel it" I am not sure if it made any sense to him, but i would be surprised if he did not fall head over heels in love with her soon, resigning himself to the feeling he felt but could not express.
It was indeed a remarkable day this, and that is why i suppose i had decided to share it with you. It became that exactly: incredible, when Priya at about 8 PM walked to my seat and said " Sid, are you busy?" I turned around to look at her. Why was it so easy for her to saddle me and take me for a ride? why did i get premonition about everything she would ask of me, get warned and yet get enchained? I did not know, for her - anything. "No, tell me" I said."You know of late Pramod has been behaving a little odd""odd?" one word leading questions."yes, i mean. hmm...can we go to the cafeteira?""yeah" ctrl+alt+del to lock the comp, two floors in the lift, cafeteria.
Sitting in a corner table "Yes Priya, tell me""ok, This Sunday we were out for a movie, me and Pramod""mm..hmm ..""And you know, we were holding hands, as we sat in the movie, i think it was an emotional scene in the movie, and i got a little more closer to him and i think i said something like 'I dont want to leave you ever', and thats it! he quickly snapped his hand out of mine in the pretext of getting the pop-corn, but it was obvious that he did not like what i said, and it was pretty uncomfortable after that. Sid, i dont usually go out with guys and all, this is chennai and i am from a normal middle class family, i am no flirt, what i felt and said was true, and thats the reason why i said it, pretention is something i am not comfortable with. But if he is not ok with this and if he has no intentions of getting serious then this is not something i want to carry on with." With that she went silent.
There were tears sitting in her eyes, she refused to let them encroach her soft cheeks. There was a sad look in those pearl like eyes; a look i wanted to wipe away but couldnt. I wanted to sit beside her and tell her that it did not matter, that nothing at all mattered, that i loved her, wholly and truely, more than she can ever hope to get from Pramod, more than she can ever hope to get from anyone.
"Just give him some time Priya, he must have been frightened by what you said, most guys are, they fear commitment. Just hang on and things will work out, he is a nice guy, we all know it, he'll come around, you'll see" I said, and i saw it give her some relief, casually she wiped her tears and added "Let this stay between us". "of course!" i confirmed "Besides he cant resist you for too long". To this i saw her smile. Somethings can never be fully understood. Like, why was i feeling happy now?
I was head over heels in love with her. I see her tackling the manager, I see her handling the burden of a loan and a widowed mother, I see her handle the clients, I see her love a guy with all her heart and I feel so much love for her. After thinking a lot I concluded that, the thing about her I loved the most was the way she loved Pramod, the way she went after what she wanted. Looking at her struggling to win him reminded me of the days I stood in the kitchen as a 15 year old hell bent on getting my curry just right. I loved the way she would walk up to me and say “Sid can you do me a favor? Can you handle the meeting tonight? Me and Pramod have something planned up” how could I say no? I wish someone had cooked for me when I was 15, and I wouldn’t have known her desperation; desperation to have something stable, something normal.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
CHAPTER 6
"Priya have you checked your mail yet?" Pramod was asking her when i came back after lunch. "Yes Pramod, i am really sorry, i think i messed it up it was late last night and i was very tired, i'll work on it right away" she said with such sincierity that i found my heart melting right then and there. But apparently Pramod was in no mood for all that, "This is happening for the third time, if you really want to stick on in the team you need be more responsible going forward, this is not college, a fuck up like this means time, which translates as money, and it pisses off a lot of people, so for gods sake work on growing up!" he thundered and walked off leaving a tear filled priya to hang on for dear pride.
I felt sick, i had never seen Pramod like this before, he is usually patience personified, of late but he had grown irritable, God knows why. Meanwhile though, my heart went out to Priya, something inside me wanted to reach out to her and comfort her, and make her understand that this just a small issue, and that life is bigger than this. But of course the jerk in me was still alive. So even if i feel soft i end up speaking rough. I really wanted to help her when i told her "Maybe i can teach you how to do it correctly". Only when she replied with "I'll do it myself, thankyou" did i realize what i had done. No regrets though, thats who i am. A jerk.
It was evening by the time i got a chance to have a chat with pramod. I found him the smoking lawns, he was standing under a tree, and i suspected that he had been smoking more than the usual quota. "hey man" i said walking up towards him. "Hi da" he said crushing the half smoke cigarette under his shoes. "I think priya is finished with the re versioning, and i have taken a look, it looks fine, waiting for your sign off to send it across" I told him. Since our team lead quit last month Pramod has quickly adapted into the role wherein he was'nt the actuall team lead, but he did the chores of one. "Thats ok, I am sorry i lost my cool today" he said looking somewhat childish, but a slightly grim look stayed on his face. I was still worried about what flak Priya would be getting for this from our onsite counter parts, so i ventured to ask him "So, does Dan know who fucked up?". Before he walked off towards the cafeteria he held a straight as he told me "I sent a mail to Dan saying that it was my mistake, dint cc you guys ofcourse, Dan said it was ok". Now thats the Pramod i knew.
"I am sorry, i shouldnt have spoken the way i did in the morning" Priya said as she sat down beside me in the cafeteria. It was 8 PM and dinner time. She sight of her tiffin box, and the homemade smells that issued forth from it momentarily destabilized me. I mentally shook myself and concentrated on responding to her apology, "Thats ok, I am sure it was'nt intentional and i did not mean to snub you too" i said and continued chewing the roti that had all but died on my senses. "Yesterday Pramod was telling about how he missed food from home, so i cooked and brought dinner for him, now i guess i'll have to eat it myself" she sighed and began eating. I could have said 'let me give it a try, i miss food from home too' or i could have asked her 'did you make this all by yourself?' with an expression that would signify a compliment. That could have been a start, that could have been.
As my mind pondering on the possiblities i almost missed the flash of a moment in which Pramod arrived and without any pleasentaries just dug his hands into her tiffin box, tearing out a big piece of the poori and a good chuk of the sabzi, as the food swirled around in his mouth and the tastes made his eyelids close, he said "All your faults forgiven Priya, My god! this is simply amazing, make all the mistakes you want, just keep bringing this kind of food" . When he opened his eyes he asked her "Did you really make all of this?". "Yes" she said, her eyes twinkling with joy, lillies dancing in them. I got up to leave. "gonna get more chapaties?" Pramod asked, his mouth full with the second poori. "No, pepsi" i said and walked away. Pepsi in hand i went straight to my desk.
They din't miss me, i guess. Soon the insane manner in which Priya found reasons to be with Pramod began to get on my nerves. Seemingly without a reason I was feeling infuriated by the relationship that seemed to be blossoming between the two of them. She was so smart and talented, but she was falling for the most basic stunts that a guy could offer. I did not know why it bothered me, it had never happened before.
I felt sick, i had never seen Pramod like this before, he is usually patience personified, of late but he had grown irritable, God knows why. Meanwhile though, my heart went out to Priya, something inside me wanted to reach out to her and comfort her, and make her understand that this just a small issue, and that life is bigger than this. But of course the jerk in me was still alive. So even if i feel soft i end up speaking rough. I really wanted to help her when i told her "Maybe i can teach you how to do it correctly". Only when she replied with "I'll do it myself, thankyou" did i realize what i had done. No regrets though, thats who i am. A jerk.
It was evening by the time i got a chance to have a chat with pramod. I found him the smoking lawns, he was standing under a tree, and i suspected that he had been smoking more than the usual quota. "hey man" i said walking up towards him. "Hi da" he said crushing the half smoke cigarette under his shoes. "I think priya is finished with the re versioning, and i have taken a look, it looks fine, waiting for your sign off to send it across" I told him. Since our team lead quit last month Pramod has quickly adapted into the role wherein he was'nt the actuall team lead, but he did the chores of one. "Thats ok, I am sorry i lost my cool today" he said looking somewhat childish, but a slightly grim look stayed on his face. I was still worried about what flak Priya would be getting for this from our onsite counter parts, so i ventured to ask him "So, does Dan know who fucked up?". Before he walked off towards the cafeteria he held a straight as he told me "I sent a mail to Dan saying that it was my mistake, dint cc you guys ofcourse, Dan said it was ok". Now thats the Pramod i knew.
"I am sorry, i shouldnt have spoken the way i did in the morning" Priya said as she sat down beside me in the cafeteria. It was 8 PM and dinner time. She sight of her tiffin box, and the homemade smells that issued forth from it momentarily destabilized me. I mentally shook myself and concentrated on responding to her apology, "Thats ok, I am sure it was'nt intentional and i did not mean to snub you too" i said and continued chewing the roti that had all but died on my senses. "Yesterday Pramod was telling about how he missed food from home, so i cooked and brought dinner for him, now i guess i'll have to eat it myself" she sighed and began eating. I could have said 'let me give it a try, i miss food from home too' or i could have asked her 'did you make this all by yourself?' with an expression that would signify a compliment. That could have been a start, that could have been.
As my mind pondering on the possiblities i almost missed the flash of a moment in which Pramod arrived and without any pleasentaries just dug his hands into her tiffin box, tearing out a big piece of the poori and a good chuk of the sabzi, as the food swirled around in his mouth and the tastes made his eyelids close, he said "All your faults forgiven Priya, My god! this is simply amazing, make all the mistakes you want, just keep bringing this kind of food" . When he opened his eyes he asked her "Did you really make all of this?". "Yes" she said, her eyes twinkling with joy, lillies dancing in them. I got up to leave. "gonna get more chapaties?" Pramod asked, his mouth full with the second poori. "No, pepsi" i said and walked away. Pepsi in hand i went straight to my desk.
They din't miss me, i guess. Soon the insane manner in which Priya found reasons to be with Pramod began to get on my nerves. Seemingly without a reason I was feeling infuriated by the relationship that seemed to be blossoming between the two of them. She was so smart and talented, but she was falling for the most basic stunts that a guy could offer. I did not know why it bothered me, it had never happened before.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
CHAPTER 5
DAY 93
'Early morning good morning' my room-mate Sujay would say, and without reason it would make me smile. Thats how my morning's began, we have a smoke, some tea, a breakfast-anything, then off it was to whatever our lives demanded of us. Routine is something that keeps a man ticking, i have developed one of late, to rise early and be in office before the clatter of everyday work begins, before the CPUs start humming and the printers start rack-a-tacking, before the chatter of the long distance calls and the nagging of the onsite guys. Me and the sleeping walls of the corporate giant.
Lonliness is like a drug, for the more suseptable its addictive. The pain it brings feels like extacy, the more you hurt the more you crave for it. What it is that is hurting me? i did not know, but its an old feeling and i was comfortable with it. A known devil, both my nemisis and my soulmate. So i sat on my seat and began the day by checking my mail. Nothing new, same old queries, and same old forwards. One hour of my solitude ended when slowly other 'early' arrivers began arriving. Among them was Pramod who had taken to coming to office in his bike.
"What do you work on so early in the morning da?" he asked settling down in his cubicle opposite to mine. "Usual da" I said and continued checking my mail. When you see each other six days a week you dont greet each other with a energetic 'hi' or 'hello' a greeting is more often non-existant. "How is 33DSA.2 coming about? any code pushes today?" Pramod was querying me. "No idea, the mail from Dan says that the sync up failed last night, some issue with the versions of the code push last evening, i'll look into it, hope we dint cause it" I told him as i re-read the mail. "Thats just swell" he sighed and deflated in his seat.
"Gosh! Dan is pinging me, looks like he had an alert set on me, and its their night, God! he must be mad!" Pramod's commentry continued from the other side of the partition. I set about my task of trying to find out what had gone wrong with last night's code push. An hour later i got up from my seat, looked into pramod's side and said "Its Priya's code, she dint version it on the latest released version, so what to do?" . I saw his irritation swell, he was in line for a promotion and this was a fuck up he did not need. "has she arrived yet?" he asked trying to mask his anger, "no she is on the 2'o clock shift". Something amazing was gonna happen that day, but i did not know it, i just sat back on my seat and began looking into some other issues. My mind was on how to save Priya from this problem, i did not know why, I did not know how, No ideea at all.
'Early morning good morning' my room-mate Sujay would say, and without reason it would make me smile. Thats how my morning's began, we have a smoke, some tea, a breakfast-anything, then off it was to whatever our lives demanded of us. Routine is something that keeps a man ticking, i have developed one of late, to rise early and be in office before the clatter of everyday work begins, before the CPUs start humming and the printers start rack-a-tacking, before the chatter of the long distance calls and the nagging of the onsite guys. Me and the sleeping walls of the corporate giant.
Lonliness is like a drug, for the more suseptable its addictive. The pain it brings feels like extacy, the more you hurt the more you crave for it. What it is that is hurting me? i did not know, but its an old feeling and i was comfortable with it. A known devil, both my nemisis and my soulmate. So i sat on my seat and began the day by checking my mail. Nothing new, same old queries, and same old forwards. One hour of my solitude ended when slowly other 'early' arrivers began arriving. Among them was Pramod who had taken to coming to office in his bike.
"What do you work on so early in the morning da?" he asked settling down in his cubicle opposite to mine. "Usual da" I said and continued checking my mail. When you see each other six days a week you dont greet each other with a energetic 'hi' or 'hello' a greeting is more often non-existant. "How is 33DSA.2 coming about? any code pushes today?" Pramod was querying me. "No idea, the mail from Dan says that the sync up failed last night, some issue with the versions of the code push last evening, i'll look into it, hope we dint cause it" I told him as i re-read the mail. "Thats just swell" he sighed and deflated in his seat.
"Gosh! Dan is pinging me, looks like he had an alert set on me, and its their night, God! he must be mad!" Pramod's commentry continued from the other side of the partition. I set about my task of trying to find out what had gone wrong with last night's code push. An hour later i got up from my seat, looked into pramod's side and said "Its Priya's code, she dint version it on the latest released version, so what to do?" . I saw his irritation swell, he was in line for a promotion and this was a fuck up he did not need. "has she arrived yet?" he asked trying to mask his anger, "no she is on the 2'o clock shift". Something amazing was gonna happen that day, but i did not know it, i just sat back on my seat and began looking into some other issues. My mind was on how to save Priya from this problem, i did not know why, I did not know how, No ideea at all.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
CHAPTER 4
Turned out Priya had joined our company, as a fresher. Pramod was genuinely excited when he learnt that she was joining our team. It was getting worser by the minute, ‘you know Priya this’ ‘you know Priya that’; man! His explanations about everything in the office! As if we were in bloody heaven! ‘Wait a couple of months dear, and then see’ I thought.
We were in the cafeteria having lunch, me, Pramod and the new entry Priya. “How was your college life? I mean you must have had lots of friends right?” Pramod was quizzing her, “Yeah! I kind of miss them, we had lots of fun in four years, now we have to move our own ways, its difficult to come to terms with it” she was saying. Now imagine my position, here I am watching two people connect, talking about things that I don’t really care about, but still I’ll have to do the necessary nodding of the head, and saying the timely ‘true, true’, so while you feel happy for the two of them, please do think of me too.
Pramod was nodding his head as he said “I always thought being in the college was like being the flowers of a garden, we stayed together and swayed in tandem to the tune of the breeze, but in the end we don’t belong to the garden, but to the gardener” he said pointing upwards “one who can pluck us and take us anywhere he wants” he added, this seemed to strike her as a novel thought and she smiled as if she had just been told a universal truth. I thought it was about time I contributed to the conversation too, so I said “hey I am going to get Pepsi, you guys need Pepsi?” I don’t think they heard me, so I just got up to go get Pepsi.
Pepsi was something my elder brother introduced me to. He was six years older to me, and whenever we were home alone and one of his girlfriends arrived, he would introduce me to them as his younger brother, and apologize for not being able to come out as he had to look after me. They would think that was very sweet of him, and he would say it was nothing, that after all he had some responsibilities too. He would then give me some money to go have the Pepsi that I had supposedly been dying to go drink. So I would leave them alone and go for Pepsi. It became a routine, his girlfriends would arrive, I would be used to sweeten them up, and then I would go for Pepsi. I guess that instinct had kicked in when I saw the chemistry between Pramod and Priya, so I went for the Pepsi.
Back home I waited for my roomies to arrive, I was always the second to come back home. John must have come and left for his dance class. Sujay, Rajeev and Abbas were yet to come. As usual I got down to doing my chore; cooking dinner. It’s a chore I took volunteering, because I loved cooking, and ask my roomies I was good at it as well. Today would be regular chapatti and Sabzi curry, the sabzi being potatoes and cauliflower. I let the music fill the room, the latest Shah Rukh khan movie songs, the room filled in with “Main Yahaan hoon...” I kept humming along with it as I began rolling the chapattis. I had learnt to cook when I was 15 and sick and tired of having to eat outside, I learnt it from cooking books, some of them I still have, and I don’t refer them that often these days, I have gotten better, or let’s say ‘adequate’.
We were in the cafeteria having lunch, me, Pramod and the new entry Priya. “How was your college life? I mean you must have had lots of friends right?” Pramod was quizzing her, “Yeah! I kind of miss them, we had lots of fun in four years, now we have to move our own ways, its difficult to come to terms with it” she was saying. Now imagine my position, here I am watching two people connect, talking about things that I don’t really care about, but still I’ll have to do the necessary nodding of the head, and saying the timely ‘true, true’, so while you feel happy for the two of them, please do think of me too.
Pramod was nodding his head as he said “I always thought being in the college was like being the flowers of a garden, we stayed together and swayed in tandem to the tune of the breeze, but in the end we don’t belong to the garden, but to the gardener” he said pointing upwards “one who can pluck us and take us anywhere he wants” he added, this seemed to strike her as a novel thought and she smiled as if she had just been told a universal truth. I thought it was about time I contributed to the conversation too, so I said “hey I am going to get Pepsi, you guys need Pepsi?” I don’t think they heard me, so I just got up to go get Pepsi.
Pepsi was something my elder brother introduced me to. He was six years older to me, and whenever we were home alone and one of his girlfriends arrived, he would introduce me to them as his younger brother, and apologize for not being able to come out as he had to look after me. They would think that was very sweet of him, and he would say it was nothing, that after all he had some responsibilities too. He would then give me some money to go have the Pepsi that I had supposedly been dying to go drink. So I would leave them alone and go for Pepsi. It became a routine, his girlfriends would arrive, I would be used to sweeten them up, and then I would go for Pepsi. I guess that instinct had kicked in when I saw the chemistry between Pramod and Priya, so I went for the Pepsi.
Back home I waited for my roomies to arrive, I was always the second to come back home. John must have come and left for his dance class. Sujay, Rajeev and Abbas were yet to come. As usual I got down to doing my chore; cooking dinner. It’s a chore I took volunteering, because I loved cooking, and ask my roomies I was good at it as well. Today would be regular chapatti and Sabzi curry, the sabzi being potatoes and cauliflower. I let the music fill the room, the latest Shah Rukh khan movie songs, the room filled in with “Main Yahaan hoon...” I kept humming along with it as I began rolling the chapattis. I had learnt to cook when I was 15 and sick and tired of having to eat outside, I learnt it from cooking books, some of them I still have, and I don’t refer them that often these days, I have gotten better, or let’s say ‘adequate’.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
CHAPTER 3
Before I get into our next meeting let me tell you a thing or two about me. My name in Siddharth Narayan and friends call me Sid, kinda cool name aint it? Well I don’t mind it actually, adds to the image. One other thing, I am a jerk! Yup! Very true! Over the 23 years my life I have invented countless ways to mask the fact that I am a jerk, but the fact remains: I am one.
Well other minor things about me are that I completed computer science engineering, bagged a distinction, and now I work for a software company ( I wont name them ..Cuz...I don’t really know the ramifications of doing so). Now some basics, I live in Anna nagar, if you were a chennaite, you’d know it, else ignore (notice the control statement??). I lived with 4 other software pros. Yup! Me been having a cool bachelor’s life for the last 2 years. I am basically from Delhi and my family is still there, but south is where India’s private Silicon Valley is, and so I am here. For all those who think that the way I think ought to matter and the reasons behind my actions lie in my up bringing, I’d hate for you to miss out on a few juicy details. So here it goes, my parents had a bad marriage. Well I know all you pseudo shrinks are goin ‘I thought so’. The truth of the matter is you are truly in no position to comment on your parent’s marriages, least of all if you still weren’t married yourself. How can you talk about working on a platform when you haven’t done so yourself??(Notice?? Notice?). What I actually wanted to say is that my parent’s marriage was bad for me. Now you might say that I wouldn’t have been had it not been for my parent’s marriage, well lets say there came a few good things out of my parent’s tying the knot, namely me and before that, my elder brother. Well he is a different story altogether, but I was telling you about me and my new love interest, so let’s get back to it.
DAY 14
The next time we met it was a different time of the day, morning to be specific. Well here I was on my way to office, rather on the way to my company bus that would take me to my company. Funny actually that I had completely forgotten about her and not thought about her even once in the two weeks after the first meeting, and by sheer chance I had thought about her when I left my home and saw the girl next door speed away on her scooty.
“Help!!” she was shouting when I turned to look, imagine my horror there she was! I had thought of her! And she had appeared! As if materializing from my thoughts, damn! I thought, that was neat!! “Help!” she was screaming or I thought she was screaming. She had the heel of her slipper stuck in the hole that was conveniently in the middle of the cover of a drainage hole, I kept looking at her , her face and hair and all, I kept looking as my friend ran up to her and helped her.
She looked and him and thanked him, I could feel the chemistry in the air, yep! They were in love, already. It took them ages to get their entwined palms out of each others grips, damn!! I thought ‘they are still smiling at each other’, “Hey Pramod! The bus is about to leave!!” I screamed, that did it, he said his goodbye or what looked like it and she wrote something on a piece of paper and gave it to him.
He came back gave me a smile, as if I was to thank for all this, we boarded the bus and she went on her way…which was as I noticed to my horror again..The front entrance of our bus! When I looked up Pramod was talking to the driver, the driver seemed to look in indecision towards the lady who was now carrying her broken slipper in her hands and standing near the door. A second later the driver smiled, as Pramod showed that piece of paper, and pointed to the lady with the slippers in her hand, then Pramod smiled as he looked at her, well, she smiled as well as she climbed the steps, contagious bloody smile!! . Now I saw Pramod look at me, ‘what?, does he expect me to smile as well?’ well I gave him an enquiring look and he gave a ‘wait I’ll let you know’ look, so I waited for them to come and sit right in front of me. In other normal times he would sit next to me, but these were I guess not normal times.
“Well Priya this is Siddharth, and Siddharth this is Priya” Pramod doing the introductions as if he knew her for ages. If only I had asked her name the other day, and if only she had fallen for my pathetic attempt to woo her, and if only I had gone to save her from her heel in the hole crises, I’d be doing the introductions with something like “Pramod this is Priya, remember I had told you about her, well we are on our way to Sathyam to catch a movie”
But those things never happened and so I had to make do with a pathetic “oh hi, I kind of think I have seen you before” She gave me a weird look. “Come on Sid not now” admonished Pramod; I gave him a glare ‘irritating ass!’ I looked back at her “you know that day? Near the lake, in the evening?” How pathetic can I get? But I had to prove that I had indeed met her before Pramod did. “Oh, yeah! I remember” she said looking right into my eyes Salvation! Her eyes had almost begun smiling. “Well I had the image of you with all those red flowers in your hair that I dint recognize it was the same you right here” “Red flowers?” this time it was Pramod, She kept looking at me as she said “I think yellow ones would have suited you better” and she started giggling I did not know what to say, it happens always at times like these when I need to say something I end up not knowing what to say, and so I dint say, I just looked out, I guess she felt offended because I had not joined in her joke, So she turned towards Pramod and asked “how far is the office from here?”
Well you can’t blame me for not having heard much of the conversation after that. She must have thought I am a jerk. Well, I had news for her.
Well other minor things about me are that I completed computer science engineering, bagged a distinction, and now I work for a software company ( I wont name them ..Cuz...I don’t really know the ramifications of doing so). Now some basics, I live in Anna nagar, if you were a chennaite, you’d know it, else ignore (notice the control statement??). I lived with 4 other software pros. Yup! Me been having a cool bachelor’s life for the last 2 years. I am basically from Delhi and my family is still there, but south is where India’s private Silicon Valley is, and so I am here. For all those who think that the way I think ought to matter and the reasons behind my actions lie in my up bringing, I’d hate for you to miss out on a few juicy details. So here it goes, my parents had a bad marriage. Well I know all you pseudo shrinks are goin ‘I thought so’. The truth of the matter is you are truly in no position to comment on your parent’s marriages, least of all if you still weren’t married yourself. How can you talk about working on a platform when you haven’t done so yourself??(Notice?? Notice?). What I actually wanted to say is that my parent’s marriage was bad for me. Now you might say that I wouldn’t have been had it not been for my parent’s marriage, well lets say there came a few good things out of my parent’s tying the knot, namely me and before that, my elder brother. Well he is a different story altogether, but I was telling you about me and my new love interest, so let’s get back to it.
DAY 14
The next time we met it was a different time of the day, morning to be specific. Well here I was on my way to office, rather on the way to my company bus that would take me to my company. Funny actually that I had completely forgotten about her and not thought about her even once in the two weeks after the first meeting, and by sheer chance I had thought about her when I left my home and saw the girl next door speed away on her scooty.
“Help!!” she was shouting when I turned to look, imagine my horror there she was! I had thought of her! And she had appeared! As if materializing from my thoughts, damn! I thought, that was neat!! “Help!” she was screaming or I thought she was screaming. She had the heel of her slipper stuck in the hole that was conveniently in the middle of the cover of a drainage hole, I kept looking at her , her face and hair and all, I kept looking as my friend ran up to her and helped her.
She looked and him and thanked him, I could feel the chemistry in the air, yep! They were in love, already. It took them ages to get their entwined palms out of each others grips, damn!! I thought ‘they are still smiling at each other’, “Hey Pramod! The bus is about to leave!!” I screamed, that did it, he said his goodbye or what looked like it and she wrote something on a piece of paper and gave it to him.
He came back gave me a smile, as if I was to thank for all this, we boarded the bus and she went on her way…which was as I noticed to my horror again..The front entrance of our bus! When I looked up Pramod was talking to the driver, the driver seemed to look in indecision towards the lady who was now carrying her broken slipper in her hands and standing near the door. A second later the driver smiled, as Pramod showed that piece of paper, and pointed to the lady with the slippers in her hand, then Pramod smiled as he looked at her, well, she smiled as well as she climbed the steps, contagious bloody smile!! . Now I saw Pramod look at me, ‘what?, does he expect me to smile as well?’ well I gave him an enquiring look and he gave a ‘wait I’ll let you know’ look, so I waited for them to come and sit right in front of me. In other normal times he would sit next to me, but these were I guess not normal times.
“Well Priya this is Siddharth, and Siddharth this is Priya” Pramod doing the introductions as if he knew her for ages. If only I had asked her name the other day, and if only she had fallen for my pathetic attempt to woo her, and if only I had gone to save her from her heel in the hole crises, I’d be doing the introductions with something like “Pramod this is Priya, remember I had told you about her, well we are on our way to Sathyam to catch a movie”
But those things never happened and so I had to make do with a pathetic “oh hi, I kind of think I have seen you before” She gave me a weird look. “Come on Sid not now” admonished Pramod; I gave him a glare ‘irritating ass!’ I looked back at her “you know that day? Near the lake, in the evening?” How pathetic can I get? But I had to prove that I had indeed met her before Pramod did. “Oh, yeah! I remember” she said looking right into my eyes Salvation! Her eyes had almost begun smiling. “Well I had the image of you with all those red flowers in your hair that I dint recognize it was the same you right here” “Red flowers?” this time it was Pramod, She kept looking at me as she said “I think yellow ones would have suited you better” and she started giggling I did not know what to say, it happens always at times like these when I need to say something I end up not knowing what to say, and so I dint say, I just looked out, I guess she felt offended because I had not joined in her joke, So she turned towards Pramod and asked “how far is the office from here?”
Well you can’t blame me for not having heard much of the conversation after that. She must have thought I am a jerk. Well, I had news for her.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
CHAPTER 2
Narrated by Siddharth Narayan, Age: 23
DAY 1
She stood like a leaf on the surface of the lake water bearing dew drops on it. She stood on the verge of drowning, her burden would take her down but that seemed not to worry her. Her expression was vacant, not sadness not guilt but utter emptiness. While I stood watching her I remember feeling how someone so beautiful could be left so alone. Although there were many people walking by where she stood none looked like they knew her, cept me, I guess I knew her, or rather her type. The type who stood alone with vacant eyes staring away into nothingness. The type who you thought were sad and lonely, who have seen some dark side of life and have been frightened away by it, the kind who need a shoulder to lean on, a soul to trust and a rescuer to take them to glorious lands. And you think you could be all that, the shoulder, the soul to trust, the rescuer and anything else she needed. All you had to do was to walk up beside her and stand there looking off into the sunset as if you were one of those people who stands there each evening wondering how beautifully the good lord had made the world, but deep within you, you had a little mourning going on. When she looked up from her daze she’d meet your eyes and your eyes would meet hers and you’d say some thing like “its always comforting to look at the fiery sun go down on its knees to the blue lake” she’d look away at the setting sun and say in that hollow voice of hers “the words I spoke in my mind”. That moment was enough! Eyes had met; they had spoken more than you had, of the sorrow that lay buried inside your souls; that which your smiles had tried to mask. One soul to another and the match would be as good as made in heaven, cept you would be over her in a week max, and hopefully so would she.
That’s how it always worked with me, I liked falling in love so much, something about the feeling, and I love doing it often, as often as I can. I am not a womanizer, no sir! But I can’t help falling in love with em all, they are all made so special, god be praised! That I think it’s the least I could do, and pay em all the due they deserve. I am not claiming to be a gift to womanhood but yes I take what I can. So that evening I was in my element, my senses working sharply, my mind gearing up for a challenge, hoping this one wouldn’t be as easy a ride as I have mentioned above, but deep within I suspected it would, most of em had been, so far.
I got up from where I had been sitting, a bench, just on the edge of the railing beyond which stood the picturesque lake with the sun drowning in it. There she stood leaning against the railing, almost! Looking straight at the sun. I moved up beside her let my hand hold the railing, as I did so, the railing shook a bit, enough for her to notice, and she looked up at me, I wasn’t looking at her then, but when I did look, my timing was a bit off. I tried to improvise and smile at her, but ended up smiling at her shoulder as she turned away to continue her duel with the hot gas ball. “The only time of the day you could do it” I said looking at the sun, of the corner of my eyes I was looking at her, and if she had heard my words she did not care to respond. I had started on my left foot, she moved her left hand to push of the hair that had strayed onto her forehead, as she did so she saw me looking at her and she looked away, suddenly, too suddenly, a quite smile on her face, I was reminded of the expression on the face of the 10th class classmate of mine when I had first looked at her, as if I had done something funny. My thoughts were interrupted as she turned towards me again, this time her raised left hand moved towards me, near my face! No my eyes! No my forehead! Nope! My head, she ruffled my hair and down fell a red flower from my hair, yup! I had done something funny! She laughed childishly as she walked away towards her scooty. One last funny look I got before she sped off.
I met her again though. Of course!
DAY 1
She stood like a leaf on the surface of the lake water bearing dew drops on it. She stood on the verge of drowning, her burden would take her down but that seemed not to worry her. Her expression was vacant, not sadness not guilt but utter emptiness. While I stood watching her I remember feeling how someone so beautiful could be left so alone. Although there were many people walking by where she stood none looked like they knew her, cept me, I guess I knew her, or rather her type. The type who stood alone with vacant eyes staring away into nothingness. The type who you thought were sad and lonely, who have seen some dark side of life and have been frightened away by it, the kind who need a shoulder to lean on, a soul to trust and a rescuer to take them to glorious lands. And you think you could be all that, the shoulder, the soul to trust, the rescuer and anything else she needed. All you had to do was to walk up beside her and stand there looking off into the sunset as if you were one of those people who stands there each evening wondering how beautifully the good lord had made the world, but deep within you, you had a little mourning going on. When she looked up from her daze she’d meet your eyes and your eyes would meet hers and you’d say some thing like “its always comforting to look at the fiery sun go down on its knees to the blue lake” she’d look away at the setting sun and say in that hollow voice of hers “the words I spoke in my mind”. That moment was enough! Eyes had met; they had spoken more than you had, of the sorrow that lay buried inside your souls; that which your smiles had tried to mask. One soul to another and the match would be as good as made in heaven, cept you would be over her in a week max, and hopefully so would she.
That’s how it always worked with me, I liked falling in love so much, something about the feeling, and I love doing it often, as often as I can. I am not a womanizer, no sir! But I can’t help falling in love with em all, they are all made so special, god be praised! That I think it’s the least I could do, and pay em all the due they deserve. I am not claiming to be a gift to womanhood but yes I take what I can. So that evening I was in my element, my senses working sharply, my mind gearing up for a challenge, hoping this one wouldn’t be as easy a ride as I have mentioned above, but deep within I suspected it would, most of em had been, so far.
I got up from where I had been sitting, a bench, just on the edge of the railing beyond which stood the picturesque lake with the sun drowning in it. There she stood leaning against the railing, almost! Looking straight at the sun. I moved up beside her let my hand hold the railing, as I did so, the railing shook a bit, enough for her to notice, and she looked up at me, I wasn’t looking at her then, but when I did look, my timing was a bit off. I tried to improvise and smile at her, but ended up smiling at her shoulder as she turned away to continue her duel with the hot gas ball. “The only time of the day you could do it” I said looking at the sun, of the corner of my eyes I was looking at her, and if she had heard my words she did not care to respond. I had started on my left foot, she moved her left hand to push of the hair that had strayed onto her forehead, as she did so she saw me looking at her and she looked away, suddenly, too suddenly, a quite smile on her face, I was reminded of the expression on the face of the 10th class classmate of mine when I had first looked at her, as if I had done something funny. My thoughts were interrupted as she turned towards me again, this time her raised left hand moved towards me, near my face! No my eyes! No my forehead! Nope! My head, she ruffled my hair and down fell a red flower from my hair, yup! I had done something funny! She laughed childishly as she walked away towards her scooty. One last funny look I got before she sped off.
I met her again though. Of course!
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